Hi folks, Carter and Mike of The Jackie Chan Fan Club here, wishing all of you a blessed Gumbofest. While we know the holidays can be stressful, we feel confident saying that we are currently WAY more stressed than you fuckers. Last week, Mike and I were seemingly randomly chosen as the next generation of Power Rangers and, to be totally honest, this shit SUCKS.

For starters, HALF of the bad guys we've had to fight so far have been partially or totally composed of GOO. It's literally an unidentifiable green gelatinous substance that we can only classify as GOO. It smells SO BAD and the super suits take SO LONG to wash.

Worse still, Mike and I were literally the ONLY people chosen to be Power Rangers. Just us. Like, what the fuck. Every other team has had AT LEAST three. What the fuck is literally JUST Mike and I supposed to do against an army of GOO monsters.

Bippy the Condor, our Zordon-esque handler, says these things are a roll of the dice and that we complain too much, but this is actually completely fucking ridiculous. If you've ever wanted to be a Power Ranger, Mike and I are literally BEGGING you to email us. We DO NOT care about your qualifications. I swear to God if you try and have us read something stupid like a resume, I will shoot you with the laser pistol that came with my super suit. Just email us, we will send you the location of our hideout, and whenever you get here, we'll have Bippy use his ancient condor magic to whip you up another super suit. Mike is the brown ranger and I'm the blue one so have a color that isn't those in your head. Bippy will be able to read your mind and make it the color you want.

Just a fair warning for when you get here, Bippy has a minor speech impediment that he seems really self conscious about so please don't mention or react to it.

EMAIL US ASAP!! PLEASE!! ANYBODY!! THIS SUCKS SO MUUUUUUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!

admin@jackiechanfan.club

Citizens of the world were shocked and divided to learn of the death of World President Nicholas Oscar Tienerson this morning. Most shockingly of all, it came at the hands of one of the worlds most beloved heroes.

Eyewitnesses report (and security cameras confirm) that on the morning of Boblember Firty Tirst, the president was in an inconspicuous alley way, offering free cigarettes to a group of ten-year-olds. Shortly into the president's interaction with the children, Superman suddenly arrived on scene, grabbed the president by his collar, and hurled him into the upper reaches of our planet's atmosphere. The president's body has yet to be recovered, leaving most to speculate that his body burnt to cinders upon atmospheric re-entry, though President Tienerson's widely known and feared mastery of dark sorcery leaves many doubting his demise. Until he reappears, government officials have decided to proceed under the assumption that the president is dead, and have begun protocols to enact an emergency election to replace him. Prospective candidates are encouraged to send in presidential applications and at least ten cereal box tops over the next 30 days.

The public seems widely divided in the less than twenty four hours since the president's shocking and presumed assassination by our greatest protector. One Chakumville local, Crustaceous Kyle, was largely appreciative of Superman's intervention. "I didn't vote for President Tienerson, and neither did anyone I know and respect! The man was literally an evil wizard who desperately wanted to get children hooked on cigarettes! That's not some conspiracy theory I made up, he said that in almost every interview. I, for one, am thrilled that Superman decided to bypass all bureaucracy and red tape and just end that monster! Maybe next, he'll blow up all the people in this town who call me a big asshole just because of this big ol' crab claw that I have instead of a hand."

Carter, a member of the JCFC, the official presidential band of President Tienerson, had a much different view on the events. "Listen, I know as the official presidential band, I might seem kinda biased here, but you gotta remember that that role is also an elected position, not an appointed one. We hate that guy as much as everyone else and he definitely should face some kinda consequences for pushing cigs on kids, but like, I dunno if he should just get instantly executed in the street over it. I mean, it just seems like a kinda extreme and brutal response. Again, not defending the president at all, but like, geez, Superman."

Amongst the debate about Superman's responsibilities and authority, another debate has strangely been brought about by these events, especially in online spaces: Is criticizing Superman racist against Kryptonians?

"How could it possibly be racist?! There's only one of them! Any generalization about Superman is automatically a generalization about all Kryptonians because he is literally all of them!" One social media user opined.

"Just you saying that is racist," another commented, "because any generalization you make about kryptonians based on Superman's behavior is basing the behavior of a race entirely off of only one member of that race."

"Yeah, well, you're gay," the original poster responded.

"Based" responded another user.

Hello, my name is Professor Reginald Jengajam. As the very renowned Combat Physicist and well respected genius that I, Professor Reginald Jengajam, am, people often ask me things like, "What on Earth is a Combat Physicist?" Or "What school gave you a PhD in this?" Or "Who let you in here?" Easily the most common question after all those previous ones, is "How does being a physicist apply to Jackie Chan movies?" And I'm so glad that you asked me, Professor Reginald Jengajam Through the astonishing and exciting world of physics, we can not only assess the feasibility of the stuntwork performed in an action film, to determine just how much special effects was used, but through my particular scientific focus, we can objectively determine the quality of an action film. Since this is a formula and theory originally derived from the scientific study of Jackie Chans filmography, this property by which can determine action film quality is known in the scientific community that I Professor Reginald Jengajam, am definitely a part of, as JACKUM CHAKUM ENVIRONMOMENTUM.

Presented here, you'll find the incredibly smart and complex formula that I came up with all by my self, like a big boy.

JCEM=(((2×(Altitude+2)×Kicks×/50)×Item×Velocity+2)×Fighters×Weatherx(8+Punches)×Year×SammoMod/random×DoubleDmg

Now, given that this is only a brief introduction to push my new book, I, Professor Reginald Jengajam, won't get into the nitty gritty of the formula here. Someone less versed in the study of Jackie Chan and Combat Physics than I, Professor Reginald Jengajam, simply wouldn't be able to truly comprehend the complex algebra. Suffice it to say that when, say, Jackie Chan, for example, engages in a fight scene in one of his cinematic masterpieces, notice how often he seamlessly incorporates the environment the fight takes place in into the choreography. Keeping track of each moment this occurs, along with several other factors that, again, won't make sense if you're not a genius Combat Physicist like me, Professor Reginald Jengajam, we can scientifically apply this formula to ANY action film to objectively determine it's quality. It's improvements in our quality of life like this that truly justify and inspire geniuses like me, Professor Reginald Jengajam, to keep advancing science day after day. To truly understand the theory better, be sure to check out my upcoming book, "JackumChakumEnvironmomentum; and other Strange Tales" by Professor Reginald Jengajam, who is, again, me.